Unpredictable.

I had a great summer. It wasn't the summer I thought I would have by any means, but it actually turned out to be a great summer. I got into a routine, went to counseling, worked through some things, cleaned out my closet, went to several friends' weddings, visited California, etc. It was good, even great, like I said before.

I did not go back to Argentina this year, which is what I had originally planned. But plans change, do they not? I know that because I've lived in a pattern of changed of plans. Change has been my constant companion. I have a love-hate relationship with change. It is neither inherently good or bad--it just IS. Change happens. Change exists. Only my own thinking makes change good or bad.

So, NOT going back to Argentina this year? This was neither good nor bad. But I thought it was either one or the other, at times. But not going back this year was not really good OR bad...it just...WAS. I WAS going. And then I was NOT.

Now I'm back at ACU, for the 7th year since I began my education journey here, and what a mixed batch of emotions that has been! Let me see if I can name some of the emotions I've experienced.
The last month has been...
1. Exciting.
2. Dreadful.
3. Nostalgic.
4. Boring.
5. Chaotic.
6. Stressful.
7. Lonely.
8. Hectic.
9. Sad
10. Happy.
11. Joyful.
12. Painful.
...and just about everything in between.

I am so close to graduating. I have come so far. I am nearing the end of this marathon of a journey. Even the word "marathon" doesn't fully express my pain, joy, ups and downs...college has been more like climbing a mountain for me. Beautiful at times, and scary and hard at other times. Most of all, college has been unpredictable. That word sums it all up. I've been caught off guard by pain, joy, excitement, beauty, and so much more.

How could I have predicted 7 years ago that I would be diagnosed with a major mental illness? Or that my beloved cousin would die unexpectedly and suddenly on the morning of my only sibling's wedding day? Or that I'd have my heart broken several times? Or that I'd still be standing after all of this and more? Answer: I couldn't. This was all simply unpredictable, at least for me.

It hurts to be me sometimes. No, let me say that again: it hurts to be me much of the time. So, I just try to keep going. I try hard to go to sleep at night and harder to wake up and get out of bed. Some days, I do not get out of bed, but most days I do.

Where is God in all of this? Where is Jesus? I believe they're ever-present. God grieves with me. Jesus holds my hand while I cry. And then, we dance at every tiny victory. It's an uphill journey, but I know I'm going to make it. It hurts, but I'll make it.

I'm on the journey, my friends. It's been rough, but I'm going to make it.

More on all of this later, but that's all I've got for tonight.

Sincerely,
Haley

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