Life Lately: thoughts on failure, shame, marriage, and Jesus.

So as many of you are aware by now, I withdrew quickly and quietly from school at ACU this past semester with no plans to return and finish my degree. It was simultaneously a really hard and really easy decision. Hard because I'd wanted to attend ACU almost my whole life and never thought I'd leave without graduating. Easy because I'd become tired, fed-up, depressed, and ready for something different.

And here I am. A college dropout. Not forever, but for now. I'm taking a gap year before I go to Bergin in California to complete a Bachelor's degree.

Allow me to be honest: I have felt and currently feel like a failure for dropping out of school. I have felt ashamed of my decision to leave school. I have felt sad about missing out. I have felt depressed about moving to another city and starting over.

As I've been trying to meet people in the church I'm going to now, I find it hard to even explain where I am in life right now, much less how I'm feeling about it all.

The fact is, I'm overweight and unhappy and lonely much of the time. I'm starting to rigorously exercise, walk my dog, and eat healthier. I'm trying to get involved at church. I'm looking for jobs. But I live alone and I'm lonely a lot. I talk to and see my mom every day, almost without fail (she lives 5 minutes away). She is my best friend, but I long for more friends. I long for a companion. I was telling mom the other day, in some ways I'm SUPER ready to be married, but not to date, if that even makes sense. I'm ready to commit, I'm ready to live with my man, and I'm ready to face challenges together...the small glitch is, I don't know who my man is! HA. Hilarious.

I'm not saying I wouldn't date if the right guy came along. But I'm tired of meaningless dating. SO beyond tired. I want a REAL, steady, faithful, fulfilling relationship. I pray for it every day, wondering always if God's plan is for me to remain single life-long.

I realize I'm a handful, and that terrifies me. WHY on earth would any guy want to be hitched to me for the rest of his life with all my flaws?? That's one of my biggest fears. No one, not one guy has ever truly pursued me. I've pursued a few, to my detriment.

And then, there's my man Jesus. He pursues me daily. He is all of the things I'm looking for: my faithful one, my steadfast friend, the one who gave his life for me. I love him so much. He loves me so much. But I want that reflected in a human relationship so badly.

I won't pretend I have answers for any of this besides the fact that I know I need Jesus. This is just where I've been lately.

My heart longs for more. Maybe yours does, too. Seek Jesus first, and then HE will add to us the things we need, whether that be a job, a mate, or whatever else.



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