The World Behind My Eyes

Today I needed a reminder that a few years ago,  the woman I am today  was just the far-off dream for a girl who sometimes couldn't get out of bed because her heart felt so heavy and her life felt stuck. Her dreams were big, but her worries were bigger.  That girl couldn't stop grieving, when wave after wave of sadness was emptied on the beach of her life.  This woman? She can't stop dancing morning, noon, and night...because when she hears a good beat, why not? That girl  back then didn't know if there was life after depression. Life was only ever a silver lining on a bottle of pills and endless tears on the pillow. This woman has fought for her dreams, hard-earned: blood, sweat, tears, and everything in between. And now it's been worth it. Laughter is now! There is joy on the other side of hopelessness, as it turns out.  That girl was desperate and looking for answers about what was wrong with her. This woman knows some of those answers as far as th...

Once again, I find myself here at nearly 1:00am on a night when I really "don't have time" to write. But I make room for writing because I am a writer--and I'm about to make it such a massive part of my life in the next chapter, which is so quickly approaching. I have to build this habit!  Tonight I am mulling a lot of things over. I am feeling especially existential and sentimental today after my friend who I've known since birth gave birth to her own baby today. I am both overjoyed and a little sad. This bittersweet feeling happens to me more and more often these days.  It's this feeling of appreciation for the beautiful cyclical nature of life, yet also feeling the days and years slipping away.  It's the feeling that lately, I am finding the exact life I have always dreamed of--yet I still can't help but compare myself to everyone I know who is already married and having babies and wish that I was in that stage as well. I want to have kids that are ...

My friend sent me a video with some quotes from The Office today since she knows that it is my all-time favorite TV show. One of the quotes is from the last episode when Andy says, "I wish there was a way to know that you're in the good old days before you actually left them."  I know I'm in them right now. As I type these words, I am sitting in my recliner with a dog curled up on top of me. She is not a lap dog, mind you--she is a year-old labrador retriever who I've had the privilege of training over the last several months. I adore her, and in a few weeks, I won't be seeing her anymore. This is one of those moments where I wish I could pause time. (Also, I typed that she started having a dream and started twitching, which I always find hilarious--it's even funnier if they wag their tails or bark in their sleep, ha!) I am graduating in 18 days. It is currently 1:00 AM. I don't have time to be writing this, but I am a writer and I have to write when t...

When I worked as a camp counselor a few summers ago in Oregon, we used this analogy with campers about Comfort Zone, Stretch Zone, and Panic Zone, using three concentric circles of ropes lying on the ground. The smallest circle in the middle represents your Comfort Zone, the middle zone is your Stretch Zone, and everything outside of that is your Panic Zone. On the first day of camp, we would lay the ropes on the ground and apply this analogy to the team building and ropes course element things we would be doing together at camp, things in life in general, and our faith. I would describe some scenarios and campers would step to whichever Zone they felt that scenario would put them--like, hanging out with  friends; going to the dentist; meeting a new friend; giving a speech in front of a class; watching a movie on the couch; climbing to the top of the 30-foot tree later in the day (in the harness, of course); telling your crush you like them; etc. It was fun to see the kids laugh an...