Showing posts from December, 2013

Thirteen for '13. [Blogathon Day 4]

Tonight, my post is short. I want to take a moment to look back over some happy memories of 2013 on this last night of the year. Here are 13 of my favorite memories of the past year:

1. After I got out of the hospital, my best friend Whitney and my cousin Taylor drove from Abilene to visit me. It was great to see some familiar faces and for the first time since I had gone into the hospital, I started to feel like myself again. It was the first step back to normal.

2. In February, I got to go to Sing Song. I went to all three shows to cheer on my social club, Sigma Theta Chi, and we won! It was great to feel like I was apart of that even though I wasn't in the act or in school. It was also great to see my friend Emily Loper and catch up with her as well as several others from school.

3. In March, Carlee Cagle and I celebrated our one year "Friendaversary." Carlee came to Waco and we had a blast shopping, catching up, having a sleepover, and going to church on Sunday. I am…

The Scariest Day. [Blogathon Day 3]

The day I went into the hospital was one of the scariest days of my life. Thankfully, most of the things I was afraid of weren't real. That's why looking back at it isn't so scary, but strange because it's hard to believe my brain was processing all those things as true.

Let me take a moment to say that I hope you won't judge me at my worst and most vulnerable moments, because those moments do not define who I am. They are far from me now and I am not the same person anymore. I know that Bipolar can be scary--I know that better than anybody. But please know that I am stable now, in the present, while I am writing this. I wouldn't be revisiting all of this if I wasn't ready. I am sharing this because I want people to know what it was like at rock bottom and to see how wonderful my recovery has been, but I can't tell about the good without the bad. I won't. So please don't hold it against me that I had a psychotic break. My mom and I were talking …

Into the Fray. [Blogathon Day 2]

At this moment one year ago, I was spending my second night in the psychiatric hospital. It was a pretty terrible night. Let me rewind and take you through it step by step...

So I left off with my parents having no choice but to check me into a local psychiatric ward [I won't say the name, but you can ask me in person if you're curious]. I had started to tell my mom some things that really didn't make sense, and to be honest I don't remember most of it. I was delusional at that point and there are several hours that are kind of fuzzy, like a dream. At one point, I thought I was dreaming. At another point I thought I had died and was getting ready to go to heaven and that my friends and family would meet me there.

Some events took place early that morning on December 28th that are fuzzy and not really mine to share. I might share someday in my book, but for now I'll leave that morning out. The thing you need to know is that I was delusional and I took a walk with my…

Perception. [Blogathon Day 1]

I want to start by saying that there's more to me than what I post on the internet. There's more to all of us than what we post on the internet. I hope you'll take than into consideration as you read about my life and my story. I'm human; I have strengths, weaknesses, hopes, dreams, fears, and so much more. I've made mistakes. But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be a better person every day. 
You see, here's my biggest fear: I'm afraid people will think I'm a basket case once I tell them the truth. I'm afraid no one my age will understand what I've been through. I'm afraid that my being honest and vulnerable on this blog will come back to hurt me. But even more than that, I'm afraid of being something I'm not. So I have to be honest. 
I have to let people know that mental illness is truly a disease, but that God can overcome it. Just like any disease, I didn't choose it. I can't control it and there's no cure, b…

Changing the face of "Crazy." [Blogathon Intro]

After I had cancer, there was a period a time where I had trouble with using the word "cancer." I would say "when I was sick" but I would avoid saying "when I had cancer" if I could avoid it. I also remember in middle school that if someone started to talk about cancer, my heart would start to beat faster and I'd feel embarrassed, like I was the center of attention even if no one was looking at me. It took several years before I stopped having that reaction to mentions of cancer.

Now that I've been diagnosed as Bipolar, I have the same reaction to the words "Bipolar" and "crazy." I can use the words, but if someone else talks about someone being Bipolar--especially if they use the term incorrectly, a pet peeve of mine--my heart will start to race and I'll feel like I'm blushing. It doesn't happen often but when it does, I hate it. Unfortunately, I don't know if this reaction will ever go away. I might eventually…

Looking back: 2012 and Pre-Hospital.

(For the first time, I'm sharing more intimate details about my life before I went into the psychiatric ward. Please take into account that this is hard for me to write about and it's taking every ounce of strength I have to revisit this difficult time of my life. Thank you.)

Before I get to the big "blogathon" later this month, I'd like to take some time to look back on the year leading up to my hospital stay: 2012 in review.

It was a mixed up, crazy year full of highs and lows.

I don't remember much about the beginning of the year, except that I was sad. A lot. During the spring semester of my sophomore year, my brother was still in Abilene and he took care of me often. I wasn't in Sing Song that year, and it was killer. I was so lonely while everyone was rehearsing all the time. In February I caught a break when Seekers of the Word Drama Ministry decided to hold auditions. I had always wanted to be part of the group and since I wasn't very active …

Bittersweet Anniversaries.

I have two big anniversaries coming up. I cannot decide how I feel about them yet...bittersweet, I suppose. The first one is December 28th--the anniversary of when I went into the hospital. The second is January 14th--when I got out of the hospital. I'm going to do a blog-a-thon during the 18 days in between in which I write letters to people who have greatly influenced my life in the past year. I'll also be doing some writing for my book. I need to get my ideas and memories out of my head while they're still relatively fresh. So be looking for all of that coming up!

Anyway, back to what this post is anniversaries. I'm a very date-oriented person. I am good at remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and not-so-happy occasions like tragedies and deaths. So, December 28th and January 14th are forever cemented in my mind, as well as the 18 days in between. Like I said before, I'm not sure how to feel about them since this only marks one year. I'm not exac…

Glimpses of Heaven.

I didn't get to say this tonight because we ran out of time, but it hit me right in the heart tonight.

Tonight we had our last Seeker practice of the semester. Last practices each semester are special because they include awards, Web of Love, and Hot Seat. They're my favorite things, but I always forget until last practice rolls around each semester.

First, Web of Love. This involves a ball of yarn and saying encouraging things about each other. You throw the ball of yarn to the person you'd like to talk about and then they hold on to the yarn and throw the ball to someone else. Eventually there's an intricate web formed which shows the ways we are all connected. Why we don't do things like this more often or say what we really feel or mean is a mystery to me, but I guess that's part of what makes it so special. Many of us cried tonight during Web of Love, because we love each other that much and because we're saying goodbye to one of our beloved members: M…