The World Behind My Eyes

The title of this blog is a line from a Jon Foreman song that I love. Lately, my life has felt less and less like what I planned. I'm sitting alone in a cafe in Petaluma, California, surrounded by strangers on the eve of my 32nd birthday. I've been working on my memoir for the last few hours. I started listening to “Brain On Fire” on audiobook the last few days and it’s been heavy. It’s added layer upon layer to my research for my memoir. I have to stop every few minutes (or more) and write down notes or my own thoughts. Susannah’s experience with her illness is so similar to mine. It’s intense. I’m doing a lot of reflecting and jotting down things I need to research further. I won an airline gift card from a beloved author and podcaster and decided to come on vacation for my birthday back to California. That’s why I am here now, tonight. I needed some sun and time near the beach. I planned to see friends, do some hiking, visit dogs on campus. The vacation didn’t turn out like

Today, I reflected on what it felt like to be nine years old--when I started fourth grade, life was different. Then 9/11 happened. I turned ten shortly after, and then...I had cancer by Christmas. All during my fourth-grade year. Plenty of people in my life know that I'm writing a memoir. It's years in the making. Perhaps you've heard, reader, that I'm writing it currently--with a bit more focus than before.  I'm figuring my life out right now post-graduation...I'm not going to go into detail about what that looks like. It's a lot of things. I'm not ready to share all of it with the internet. There are a lot of moving parts right now, too. Some days I feel like I have a lot of clarity and know exactly what my future will hold, other days I feel like a failure. Some days I have written an entire chapter for the book and I feel on top of the world. On other days I have felt unproductive and useless, not wanting to leave my bed.  The good news? Feelings are