The World Behind My Eyes

Today is Christmas. I don't know how I feel about that. I wanted to be excited about Christmas this year so badly and I truly thought I was excited. But now that Christmas is here, I just feel sort of numb. I keep thinking about how many people are lonely this Christmas. It makes me feel sad and helpless to help them. Also, my semester in college did not wrap up the way I wanted it to. I'm frustrated, and no amount of presents or food could change these things. 
Secondly, something feels deeply broken.  My heart? Maybe.  My family? Yes, probably.  My confidence? Absolutely. 
It's these three things that feel the most broken. 
My heart is broken for many reasons, but mainly with grief and pain. 
My family feels broken because we lost major pieces of our group this year, which I've already talked about on this blog many times. 
My confidence feels broken because I just feel that I can't quite do things right. I can't make the grades I want, I can't succeed in the way…

This blog post came out of no where. (Or maybe not...but that's how it feels to me right now.)

I was listening to the radio and a song I love came on. Well, "love" is a stretch. A song I rather admire came on. It's a song by my all-time favorite band and songwriter, but it's probably my least favorite song on this particular album.

The song? "Enough to Let Me Go" by Switchfoot. I believe the song was written by Jon Foreman, my favorite song writer (most of SF's songs are written by Jon).

Suddenly, tonight, this song hit me hard--and I never saw it coming.

Here are the lyrics and the song, off YouTube:



Listening to that song tonight, it struck me like never before. I'm not sure what Jon was intending when he wrote the song, but in some ways, I imagine myself singing the song to Jesus.

"Do you love me enough to let me go and fall for you on my own?" I say to Jesus. And while I ask Jesus these questions during the song, he is silent. But …

Today is December 2nd. It is currently 2 AM. I should not be awake, but I am. And I'm crying.

There are so many reasons I am crying that it's hard to explain them all adequately, but I'll try, because I feel like I have to, or "should," or something like that.

This semester back at college has been a roller coaster. So many ups and downs. Fun at times, scary at other times. Tears of joy, and also tears of "Oh, please get me off of this crazy ride!"

Mostly, I am just still grieving. It's an "all-the-time" kind of thing. Losing two beloved family members in a year can do that to you, apparently.

I went to a group called GriefShare this semester. It ended tonight, after 13 weeks of weekly sessions. If you've never heard of GriefShare, visit Griefshare.org and find out more about it. Or, e-mail me and I'll tell you about it. It was amazing...so good for me. (So good, in fact, that I'd honestly like to lead a GriefShare group, possi…