A Little Closer...

-

Things are really falling into place for me lately. 

This is no accident. I have been working hard. I just feel the need to document it all because I am beyond grateful. 

Five years ago I could not have imagined where I am today. Well, actually--I imagined them, but I just did not know if they were ever possible. The woman I am today felt like a shattered dream that could never become a reality for the past versions of myself. When I look back at 2013, 2015, 2017, or 2019 Haley, each of those feels like a different person that I barely know now and do not miss. 

I used to believe I was broken. In some ways, I was. I was sick.

No longer. I am whole, I am healed, I am well. I am content with where I am and who I am. 

I have recently made friends with my body and brain again after the long journey we went on and the mistrust that followed. I was so angry at my brain for betraying me and attacking itself. That brain illness took such a toll on my poor body over an entire decade. My twenties were essentially stolen from me. It took a long time before I could reintegrate myself, but now I am finally at that point. 

My heart has felt lighter today. I'm feeling a little closer to the dreams that have laid dormant in my heart for a long time. I know that these types of feelings don't last forever--they are often fleeting. That is the nature of feelings, after all. So I'll give this one a gentle hug of recognition and gratitude before it goes, and take a few more steps toward all the beautiful things I see in my future. 

Dear reader, may you come to find joy in the simple things today. 

Sincerely,

Haley

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Surrender Before Victory?

-
For the past eight years, I've chosen not to make a New Year's Resolution and instead chose a word/idea to focus on for the entirety of the year. I usually start thinking about my upcoming Word of the Year in December and reflecting on the word of this past year.  My word this year: "Surrender." Toward the end of 2019, I was certain my word for 2020 would be "Victory." I was moving closer to finally graduating from college and was set to graduate in May of 2020. It felt like maybe I'd finally be able to claim that victory after ten years of effort. But then again, I was in a state of constant, terrible depression. It started mid-way through 2019 and would not lift. In the fall semester of 2019, I struggled to get out of bed, eat, shower, brush my teeth, going to class, doing homework...everything felt exceedingly difficult. I absolutely loved the classes I was taking and the things I was involved in but I felt like I was drowning every single day. Someth
Read more

Two Years Later: Learning to be "ME" again

-
I’ve been extra introspective the last week or so—which is saying a lot, as I tend to be a deeply introspective person most of the time anyway.  Anniversaries tend to make me reflective though. Today (March 20, 2022) is the two year anniversary of when I discharged from the Menninger Clinic. That’s a psychiatric hospital. I was there for ten and a half weeks, from January through March of 2020. To say that those weeks were life-changing would be a huge understatement. They were also some of the hardest weeks of my life. The only people who truly understand that experience right now are my family, my treatment team, my fellow patients, and the friends who walked closely with me during that time (and since).  I have been reflecting on how far I have come since then and it’s astounding. I could not have possibly imagined where I would be now. I am on my way to living the life I have always dreamed. I am one year away from completing the bachelor’s degree I thought might be a dream out of
Read more

When I was that girl

-
Today I needed a reminder that a few years ago,  the woman I am today  was just the far-off dream for a girl who sometimes couldn't get out of bed because her heart felt so heavy and her life felt stuck. Her dreams were big, but her worries were bigger.  That girl couldn't stop grieving, when wave after wave of sadness was emptied on the beach of her life.  This woman? She can't stop dancing morning, noon, and night...because when she hears a good beat, why not? That girl  back then didn't know if there was life after depression. Life was only ever a silver lining on a bottle of pills and endless tears on the pillow. This woman has fought for her dreams, hard-earned: blood, sweat, tears, and everything in between. And now it's been worth it. Laughter is now! There is joy on the other side of hopelessness, as it turns out.  That girl was desperate and looking for answers about what was wrong with her. This woman knows some of those answers as far as the puzzle of he
Read more