Surrender Before Victory?
For the past eight years, I've chosen not to make a New Year's Resolution and instead chose a word/idea to focus on for the entirety of the year. I usually start thinking about my upcoming Word of the Year in December and reflecting on the word of this past year.
My word this year: "Surrender."
Toward the end of 2019, I was certain my word for 2020 would be "Victory." I was moving closer to finally graduating from college and was set to graduate in May of 2020. It felt like maybe I'd finally be able to claim that victory after ten years of effort. But then again, I was in a state of constant, terrible depression. It started mid-way through 2019 and would not lift. In the fall semester of 2019, I struggled to get out of bed, eat, shower, brush my teeth, going to class, doing homework...everything felt exceedingly difficult. I absolutely loved the classes I was taking and the things I was involved in but I felt like I was drowning every single day. Something had to change.
In November, I finally cut my losses. I withdrew from school, again. I agonized over the decision but in the end, it felt right. After talking through options with my psychiatrist and therapist, I decided I needed more intensive treatment and care. My doctor had recommended a place in Houston one year earlier and I finally admitted I needed to go there. I had been reluctant and resistant to inpatient treatment because of the intense experience I had back in December 2012 and January 2013. I was scared to go, even if was the best thing for me. Deep down, I knew this is what I really needed.
After I decided to go to inpatient, I agonized over when to go. Could I wait until after Thanksgiving? Christmas? New Year's? I knew it would be difficult no matter what I decided. I really needed to get started on treatment and I wasn't going to get much out of the holidays, but I also knew I would be heartbroken to not be there. Ultimately, I decided to tough it out until January.
At some point, I realized that I didn't want my word for 2020 to be "Victory." It no longer felt like I was winning or finishing the race I'd been running. I felt like I had dropped out of the race completely (for now, at least). I felt completely defeated. But, I also felt relieved. I was scared, but also certain that this was best. So, I changed my word for 2020 to "Surrender."
I decided to make a vision board for 2020. I had made one for 2019 and it seemed like a good way to start the year again. I painted sunset-type colors on a canvas and wrote "SURRENDER" in the middle. Then I found song lyrics and quotes that either included the word surrender or captured the idea of what I wanted 2020 to look like for me.
I ended up being incredibly grateful for the way everything played out at the end of 2019. Even though I was deeply depressed, I took a trip to Oregon to see friends I had worked with the summer before and attended our staff Christmas party. At the time, that felt a bit outlandish (I flew to Portland by myself, rented a car, drove to Newberg, mostly just to surprise my coworkers at the Christmas party and enjoy a few days hanging out with them), but now? Well, that was the last time I was on a plane or traveled outside of Texas. Another great part of November and December of 2019 was going to see movies in the theater. I saw Frozen II three or four times along with two or three other movies...and that was the last time I was in a movie theater!
While I was in Oregon, my Great Aunt Frankie died. So, I ended up getting to see a lot of beloved extended family members at her funeral a few days later, including Frankie's twin, Virginia. The hugs, tears, and laughs I shared with aunts, uncles, and cousins are something I have treasured in my heart during this difficult year. Frankie and Virginia (or, Fran and Gin as they are affectionately known) are two of the sweetest, kindest souls I have ever known. They are my Grandma's identical twin sisters and I grew up having trouble telling them apart (especially since they almost always were wearing matching clothes when I saw them). I often joke that Grandma, Fran, and Gin were made of sugar. I don't really remember hearing any of them speak an unkind word about anyone, ever. I will carry the memories of Grandma and Aunt Frankie in my heart, and I look forward to seeing Aunt Virginia when it is safe to do so again.
Then, I got to share Christmas with my immediate and extended family. I felt pretty numb and sad during that time, but I'm also glad I was there--especially since that is the last time I saw many family members.
So, after ringing in the new year, I packed up my suitcases and headed to Houston. On January 7th I admitted to the Menninger Clinic.
I was there for ten and a half weeks. I had no access to social media or a smartphone during that time--just email and a flip phone that didn't even have the capability to send or receive text messages. During those weeks, I finally began facing all the things I had been running away from during the last few years. My treatment team helped me straighten out my medications and even my diagnoses (both had basically been incorrect/ineffective). I met amazing people and formed unique friendships (because the solidarity of going through intensive mental health treatment together can foster bonds like no place else).
Don't get me wrong though: treatment was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, and surrendering to the process was a challenge every single day. I'm not finished with treatment either, actually; I came back to Houston in October to another Menninger program (called Pathfinder) and I'm still a long way from being finished. I will share much more about the 11-month journey through treatment another time since this post is already quite long (hey, no one ever said I was a concise blogger!).
Surrendering was a challenge every single day. Many days I went kicking and screaming to the altar of surrender. But once I got there? I was glad I showed up. Showing up is a huge part of the battle much of the time.
I have not yet chosen my word for 2021, but I'm leaning toward "Victory" once again, or "Courage." Maybe both!
Many blessings to you, reader. I hope and pray that your 2021 will be a year better than the last (which we all know was a nightmare). Keep holding on and keep going...I think we're going to make it after all!
Thank you for reading.
Sincerely,
Haley
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