Oh...It just takes some time.

Three years now. 

I've learned recently about traumatic memories that they don't change over time--well, they don't dull in intensity or something like that. I think that's basically it, although the therapist in the video I watched explained it much more scientifically. But if you have any kind of memory that feels like a flashback to something really intense (or traumatic) and you can still remember the smells, sounds, etc. some of that may never fade--it's like it gets engrained in our brains, like a 4D-photograph or something. 

I've been trying to learn about how trauma has affected my brain and body. I've also been trying to learn about the illness(es) that I lived through. The more I learn, the more shocked I am that I am even functioning as well as I am. I am still learning to give myself grace but I wish I had known all of this so much sooner than I could have given myself so much more grace and forgiveness...well, years ago. 

I wish I could tell younger Haley that she doesn't have to be ashamed of one single thing. 

I wish she could know that she didn't choose a single bit of this. 

I am learning that the root of nearly all my struggles is from residual effects of my illness--autoimmune limbic encephalitis. 

I'm still grieving the fact that the life I have is not the life I chose. I always do my best to make the best of it, but the truth is that sometimes it just really sucks. 

As a teenager, I really thought by the time I was 31 I would be married, with a career and a kid. Or all of the above. Or at least one of those? And instead, I'm still working towards one. It has never been an easy journey--I've never had an easy week in my entire adult life. 

Today I did the math that I've been scared to do--how many prescription pills do I take in a year? (So, not including over-the-counter headache meds and such)

Over 4,000. Four thousand! I can't remember the exact number. And right now I am taking less than half the pills I was taking at one point a few years ago. There are side effects to the medications (wildly intense dreams; I think I'm losing my hair a little bit; I'm pretty sure I sunburn much more easily than normal/than I used to?), but none of that compares to what it would be like if I weren't on these medications. Seizures, brain inflammation, migraines, and more...not a joke. I'll put on sunscreen all day and have weird dreams all night to avoid those things. 

The healing journey isn't over though, and that is tough. It's always slower than I would like. I am so impatient. When your life gets put on hold for over 8 years and then restarts, you are kind of impatient to get the show on the road. 

I really feel that where I am right now in my life is exactly where I would have been at 23 or 24 had things not gotten thrown off track so drastically by so many different unexpected things--the first encephalitis episode (2012), Lindsey's death (2013), Colby's death (2014), Jan's death (2015), Grandma's death (2017), Elbert, Frankie, & Virginia's deaths (2015, 2019, 2023), Nugget's death (2017), my first attempt at Bergin going under (2018), and none of the treatment we tried ever worked (including electro-convulsive therapy, genetic testing, various therapies, and every medication under the sun). I think I did five medical withdrawals from school between 2012-2019. 

Looking back even at that list I'm thinking--why did I bother trying to do school? Why didn't I just take it easy? Why didn't I just get an easy job and work on healing the entire time? (and I did do that sometimes, to be clear...I'm a really great nanny, dog walker, and babysitter...) 

You do the best you can with the information you have at the time though. Hindsight is always more clear than the foggy future-road in front of us, right? I am finally starting to look back and give myself some grace and respect for living my life in "hard mode," whereas up till now I could only say, "Why didn't you know to take a break sooner? How could you have possibly thought it was a good idea to move across the country in 2018 instead of going to treatment? Why did you keep going back to ACU again and again?" 

The answer is that I was trying to keep up. I wanted to be like my friends, who were graduating and getting jobs, getting married, and having kids. I felt left out. I still do. I feel behind. I'm on a completely different path and timeline than every other person I know. It's lonely over here. 

I will be honest. I still do not love my brain. Although my brain makes me who I am, it will also always be what made me sick. How can I reconcile those two things? It's a work in progress. It's going to take time. And for whatever reason, I did not hate my ovary and my tumor after I had cancer and they were gone from my body, but I've had this toxic relationship with my brain for a long, long time. I guess the difference is--they were gone. I can't get rid of my brain. That's not an option. That's the difference here. We have to learn to live together forever. And I'll have to continue to take my FOUR THOUSAND pills a year. 

Three years since I got out of the hospital. I was there for over ten weeks. Then, a year and a half of recovery/treatment after that. I went straight from there to college across the country. 

So, here we are...three years later.

I'm a survivor, baby. I'm not done fighting. I'm still here. It's going to take a little more time than I thought, but I'll get to the places I need to go, and maybe even to somewhere better than I originally planned. 

Wouldn't that just be grand?

Sincerely,

Haley