Living to be a Free Spirit.

 I have felt this need to write about my life from a very young age. I remember telling a fellow cancer survivor that I was going to write a book about my story. I haven't ever done that, but I did write a poem in middle school about my cancer story and then again for a paper in high school. It's always been my way to process and share. It's cathartic. We as humans love stories--we love to hear each other's stories and we love to read fictional stories, too. The more amazing and beautiful the better, right? We love to be inspired. 

I love storytelling. It's also why I love theater, dance, and film. I love to immerse myself in a character, or to be immersed in a story. I think if I were not pursuing my current career (or in an alternate life perhaps) I would have loved to be a choreographer or perhaps a director. I studied dance for a few years and I love just about every genre, so when a song with a good beat or good lyrics comes on, I can envision a dance in my head--but I wouldn't be able to do most of the stuff I'm picturing, because it's either a couple/group dance, is way above my skill level, or both. (Yep, I'm a very good choreographer, haha!)

Sometimes I have a hard time explaining to others what I'm picturing in my head, though--and I'm not just talking about dance now. My mind is constantly bursting with all kinds of creativity and ideas. I don't just think outside of the box, I tend to live outside of it most of the time. I think I'm a bit of a free spirit...but I've spent most of my life trying to put myself back into the box with everyone else. 

Sometimes I dream about things like living in a tiny home on wheels so that I can travel across the U.S. and meet people, see all the sights, and have a great adventure. That's the kind of thing I probably won't be able to do if I have kids. I would rather do the nomadic adventure life with a husband, but since there's no guarantee of that, who knows? Would I want to do it on my own? The cool thing about my job is that dogs are literally everywhere and so I'm not tied down to any one place, technically. So I'm not saying I won't do it! 

I look at other people who have traveled and lived and worked on their own and am kind of jealous. I'm open to not living in Texas. I'm open to living simply, nomadically. Eventually, I want a house that is customized: super dog-friendly with lots of training space, accessible for Daniel, and able to do all the things I want to do, like host meals, and welcome family, friends, and neighbors into my home. I want a big giant table that a ton of people can sit around. But does all of it have to come together right now? No, it can be gradual. There is a season for everything in life. 

Wow, this is not at all the post I set out to write...what is this? Insight, definitely...but not what I was planning. Let's reel it back in. 

Life is like that, though. So is writing. Sometimes both of them take me to places I didn't know I was headed toward when I first set out! Both can be beautiful that way though. I've definitely had a burst of creative energy lately and to me, this only speaks further to the fact that I am firmly in the right place, doing the right work, with healing continually happening. 

The truth of the matter that I sometimes dance around but won't say flat out is this: my life got derailed for almost a solid decade. And it sucked. It was horrible. It was just one horrible, awful thing after another that I was constantly having to make lemonade out of all these stupid lemons. I always did the best I could with what I had--sometimes I put sweet tea in it and made an Arnold Palmer, ya know?--but the truth is until very recently, I haven't really gotten to be Grown-Up Haley without all the mess of figuring my brain and my medical stuff out, on top of tragedies and whatever else. I put my life on hold. I put my dreams on hold. I buried most of them and didn't dig them up again until about a year ago. 

They were safe in the place they had always been--my heart. Because here is the other thing: I have kept my heart strong and true through this all. This is in part because others have carried me and partially because I am determined to remain a tender-hearted and deeply-feeling individual no matter what, but mostly? This is because of Jesus. All of the glory has to go to my friend Jesus. There's this song called "No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus," by Steffany Gretzinger. I have listened to it pretty much every day, usually while I am falling asleep, for the last year and a half. That's definitely a song I could choreograph a beautiful dance to--I do it all the time in my head while I'm falling asleep! 

The beautiful thing about my life right now is that I'm learning to love it again--all the way. Not just the Arnold Palmers that I'm forcing myself to make, but all of it. My life is becoming really beautiful again. Life is precious and beautiful--it's also fragile, and sacred. I hope to never take it for granted. 

It's good to be free. It's good to be alive.

Sincerely,

Haley