A Year From Last Year: How to climb the mountain

So the saying goes that 3am is the time for poets and writers--and boy, oh boy have I found that to be true because here I am in the middle of night (early morning?) wide awake and I've been writing, journaling, praying for a couple hours, deep in thought and reflection about too many things to count. 

I started re-reading my blog a bit ago and saw a post I wrote almost exactly a year ago and realized I wrote that excellent Karen Lamb quote I adore: "A year from now you'll wish you had started today." 

She was totally correct--except for the fact that the last two years I did the thing! Two years ago, I was just starting my intensive treatment program, feeling totally hopeless. I never really thought I'd go back to school--definitely not a year later! One year ago, I was over a month into my first semester. I had just started, and it was really hard. I questioned the decision constantly last year! Could I really do this? Was everybody wrong to believe that I could? I've been through so much. 

I'm always the last to believe in myself and to see my progress.

But then I kept going--one foot in front of the other, I've been climbing this mountain, slowly but surely. 

Now, I see it. I am so proud of myself. After years of pain and tears, depression and sorrow, and having to set my dreams aside--I'm achieving them. 

I'm 31 now, solidly in my thirties. Wow, I could not be happier to be here. My twenties can just go and die, and that's fine with me--good riddance! Ha! My thirties are going to be beautiful. 

I shall make them so. 

I know I won't always keep it, but this is my new commitment to myself:

I will choose to spread joy and kindness. I will choose to dance at every opportunity. I will choose to show up and try. I will grieve with those who grieve and celebrate with those who celebrate. I will not be ashamed of the fact that I am a sensitive soul who cries at everything (including tears of joy!) because empathy is good. I will carry the wisdom I gained through my painful experiences and channel it into being a more caring, noticing individual. I will work harder on building others up, even and especially when they are not present. I will pray for those that I love. I will also work harder on extending the same compassion to myself that I so freely extend to others whom I care about. I will seek to listen and learn. I will continue to be moved by and work toward justice and inclusion for all people--because when we all have a voice and a seat at the table, we are all better for it. I am committed to finishing my education during these last two semesters, soaking up every bit of learning that I can so that I can be my best self as a professional dog trainer in my soon-to-be career. Most of all I will put Jesus first and fill my heart with his love and truth--for all else will flow out of that love, joy, and peace. 

I feel that I am just on the precipice of the life I have always hoped, dreamed, and prayed for...all the work and therapy I have put in to heal is paying off. I can feel it. I know that there will still be challenges in the future because that is, of course, the nature of life. But I feel stronger and far more equipped to face it all. 

The analogy that always comes to mind for me is when I climbed fourteeners in Colorado with my youth group. The first time I went on one of these treks as a 14-year-old, I had never been camping for real. So naturally, I decided to go climb the 3rd tallest mountain in Colorado for my first camping experience--HA! I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and I was the youngest on the trip, going into my freshman year of high school. I got talking into it, convinced it would be totally great. Granted, it was totally great, but it was also really, really hard! However, it was also so great that I went back every year after that and was a crew leader for one trip. Climbing mountains isn't ever easy though. I would describe my trips as beautiful, rewarding, a bonding experience, and totally wonderful to unplug from the world! Other times the journey is a bit rugged, like the year when we had to go off trail because the river was too high to cross and it rained too much for us to make it safely to the summit, I got sick, and it was rather miserable. 

Each year though, I built up my stamina and understanding of how to climb mountains. I learned how to train for the altitude. I knew what to expect and how to pack. I was excited about the views. I knew there would be mosquitos and probably rain, but I also knew that the quality time with my friends and the views would be so spectacular that it would be absolutely worth it. 

Such is life. Such is following my dreams. My dreams were deferred for a long time. Some still are--and I'll have to wait. But this dream of college is nearly complete and by putting one foot in front of the other, day by day, I have nearly reached the summit of this mountain called higher education. 

The journey has been rugged and painful with a lot of detours. The summit, I am certain, will be worth it--and I will go on to climb more mountains (both figurative and literal ones).

Dearest reader, may you face your own mountains with bravery and pack full of all the stuff you need. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. And thanks for reading. 

I really need to go to bed now :)

Sincerely,

Haley