Be careful what you work for...

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I know that nobody really reads this blog anymore (maybe a couple people, but not like in the old days) and so I'm using it as a place to just process things because I just need to write. Writing has always been one of my ways to figure the world out--both the world in my brain and the world in general. 

In a few ways, I have been creatively on fire the last few weeks. I have had a lot of ideas for the plot of my dog musical and I've come up with a final title for my memoir (yes, I know, I've said this a million times before--but this time I actually mean it). I even designed a cover page. I don't know if this will be the real cover page, but I'm in love with how it turned out and everything on it has a symbolic meaning of things I'm going to write about in the book. I also love the fact that I was able to design it myself. I've also been dancing a lot--all the time; my favorite form of exercise and a creative outlet. 

On top of all this, I've been able to make some meaningful connections with friends. I've been able to do some important work in therapy. I've been training puppies and my dog. But don't get me wrong--I've also had totally normal life stress and been really drained and not felt like doing chores or homework. Life is always a work in progress. I'm constantly learning to give myself grace and self-compassion. Sometimes I still only see the negative--but hey, looking at the list of all the good stuff? Wow. That's some pretty good stuff going on. 

Actually...looking at all that good stuff I kind of just feel like--holy cow, is this real life now? Is everything falling in place? Am I just a few months from finishing my college degree and living the life I've always dreamed of? All the work of healing I've been doing is paying off. The years of pain, all the things my body went through, the years I could not do what I wanted to do during brain fog, and now it's all happening at once.

I started to write an email to my treatment team from Houston and tell them these things but I haven't finished it yet. Mostly, I am even shocked at how my hard work is paying off at last. This has been my semester of college ever. I have only missed one class. ONE! There have been many days where I have been the first to campus to exercise my dog, up to 30 minutes before class starts (this time frame has gotten shorter as the semester has gone on, but I've only been late to any classes a couple times during extenuating circumstances, like when my car battery decided to die last week). 

To say I am proud of myself would be a gross lie. I'm really freaking proud of myself! This is Haley in her 30's, baby. I have finally arrived. Ha! Well, actually let me try again: This is healthy Haley. This is the Haley who feels good and is properly understood and advocated for (both by me and by my doctor who actually understands/listened to me after I was diagnosed correctly!). I am in tune with myself. I have my head on straight. Yep, life's not perfect--and I still have a ton of struggles. But it's the best it's been in a long time. 

A message to myself: Be careful what you dream about and what you work hard for, sweet girl. You might just get it all. And it's kind of amazing. 

Also: Training and socializing puppies to be service dogs? It's even more fun than I thought it would be,
which I didn't think was possible. I'm very much in love with my classes/future career. 

Sincerely,
Haley


 







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