A hug for my heart

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In years gone by, there have been times when I was so unhappy with how old I was, where I was living, what I had not accomplished, and what I felt I lacked. Nothing felt good enough in my life. I always waited for the next thing to complete or make me happy. More specifically, I thought: when I had a boyfriend, graduated, had my career going, had things more "figured out," or had...I don't know, "less problems" or something? It was always something. 

Lately, and after years of difficult, personal healing work, I've been letting go of this mindset. It's a process. It's not perfect. I'm really hard on myself much of the time. Learning to give myself the same grace and compassion I offer others has been a huge part of my own healing.

While I know that no one would have chosen the painful things I've been through, perhaps part of me still believes deep inside that no one wants to date me because I went through grief, loss, illness, and medical trauma. Yet--any men I've actually decided to share these parts of my life with on dates have been very receptive and respectful. They say they admire my resilience and strength. So this fear is likely a story I am making up in my head...I have evidence proving otherwise. Any good man worthy of actually dating me wouldn't be that unkind to reject me about such a sensitive area of my life and I wouldn't keep him around! Truthfully, it's probably me keeping men at arm's length at this point out of fear. I've been through so much loss that the fear of a broken heart sounds like something I don't want to deal with right now when other things are starting to get good. 

On the other hand, vulnerability is all about risking it all and exposing your heart to the world to say: this is the real me. Take it or leave it. Will you love me or not? I'm here, and this is me. I have arrived. 

I'm really proud of the woman I am today. Every day lately there are small victories that keep reminding me of that. I have my degree now, but that doesn't guarantee happiness. I am getting going on my career, but that contentment is a choice.

 I have achieved several of the dreams I used to dream, and I'm healthy and whole. The life I'm living today in 2023 in my early 30s is one that for a while did not feel possible! But it will never be "perfect," because that is an illusion. 

Here is what perfection looks like: 

Tonight I picked up dinner and went to my best friend's house with my dog. We only live a couple miles apart instead of 1,400 miles like we used to--which is especially exciting now that she's pregnant with her second child. We watched a TV show and then sat and talked for a couple hours on the couch while her daughter slept in the next room and her husband was at a game night down the street with friends. Our dogs lay on the couch with us, starting to become friends after a few walks and similar couch hangout sessions. We talked about all kinds of things in our hearts--everything from our favorite Saturday Night Live sketches to deep fears and a bunch in between. And this simple thing, this simple quality time with dogs and my friend is enough to give me hope that life is okay again. It's a hug for my heart.  

Perfection is the little things; the moments to be thankful for. Every little hug, every little moment that someday we'll look back and say, "Wow, those were the good old days." I have plenty of those days in my past. This is a letter to my past self, and my future self too: 

You're okay. You made it. You're safe. These are the good days. I'm proud of you. Keep going!

Sincerely,

Haley

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