Where to fit now?

-

Once again, I find myself here at nearly 1:00am on a night when I really "don't have time" to write. But I make room for writing because I am a writer--and I'm about to make it such a massive part of my life in the next chapter, which is so quickly approaching. I have to build this habit! 

Tonight I am mulling a lot of things over. I am feeling especially existential and sentimental today after my friend who I've known since birth gave birth to her own baby today. I am both overjoyed and a little sad. This bittersweet feeling happens to me more and more often these days. 

It's this feeling of appreciation for the beautiful cyclical nature of life, yet also feeling the days and years slipping away. 

It's the feeling that lately, I am finding the exact life I have always dreamed of--yet I still can't help but compare myself to everyone I know who is already married and having babies and wish that I was in that stage as well. I want to have kids that are the same age as all my friends' kids. That would be fun, right? It would be fun in the same way that graduating college at the same time would have been fun, maybe. 

I have so little control though. I definitely have absolutely no control to change the past! Ha, why do I dwell on that so much? (Hint: I am human.)

I wish it came a bit naturally for me to focus on all the things going well, but sometimes I am so hard on myself that I really have to work on this. I compare myself so harshly to others and I struggle to feel like I fit anywhere. 

I stopped "fitting in" with the college kids years ago, but I also didn't fit in with the young professionals. I've never fit in with couples, because I've always been just me (not that many didn't make me feel welcome). 

It's never exactly been a matter of not feeling welcome in spaces. I just tend to feel a bit behind or a bit different or struggle to believe that I truly belong. I think this is one reason why I am so intent on helping others feel included and loved.

Today, I also feel like I took up a lot of space. Do you understand this phrase the way I am intending it, dear reader? I asked a lot of questions and shared a lot of things in discussions at school today. I don't always do that, and it felt like a bit much. I left school feeling vulnerable. I felt like I needed to apologize multiple times today. That's messed up--I need to explore this. Why do I feel this way? Where is that coming from? Where have I been silenced in the past so that now I feel like I need to apologize for using my voice? I legitimately am drawing a blank. I'm sure I'll pinpoint something and it's going to be some sort of painful memory, yikes! I am nervous, truly. 

My life is changing at an alarming pace right now. I love it and hate it at the same time. It's kind of like riding a roller coaster. Am I getting too old for roller coasters? Honestly, I don't know, I haven't ridden one in a few years. Ha! I used to love them though. This metaphorical life roller coaster at the moment is a bit much and I wish it would slow down. 

Speaking of slowing down, I need to go to sleep. Goodnight, world.

Sincerely,

Haley


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Just Nine Years Old

-
Today, I reflected on what it felt like to be nine years old--when I started fourth grade, life was different. Then 9/11 happened. I turned ten shortly after, and then...I had cancer by Christmas. All during my fourth-grade year. Plenty of people in my life know that I'm writing a memoir. It's years in the making. Perhaps you've heard, reader, that I'm writing it currently--with a bit more focus than before.  I'm figuring my life out right now post-graduation...I'm not going to go into detail about what that looks like. It's a lot of things. I'm not ready to share all of it with the internet. There are a lot of moving parts right now, too. Some days I feel like I have a lot of clarity and know exactly what my future will hold, other days I feel like a failure. Some days I have written an entire chapter for the book and I feel on top of the world. On other days I have felt unproductive and useless, not wanting to leave my bed.  The good news? Feelings are
Read more

Oh...It just takes some time.

-
Three years now.  I've learned recently about traumatic memories that they don't change over time--well, they don't dull in intensity or something like that. I think that's basically it, although the therapist in the video I watched explained it much more scientifically. But if you have any kind of memory that feels like a flashback to something really intense (or traumatic) and you can still remember the smells, sounds, etc. some of that may never fade--it's like it gets engrained in our brains, like a 4D-photograph or something.  I've been trying to learn about how trauma has affected my brain and body. I've also been trying to learn about the illness(es) that I lived through. The more I learn, the more shocked I am that I am even functioning as well as I am. I am still learning to give myself grace but I wish I had known all of this so much sooner than I could have given myself so much more grace and forgiveness...well, years ago.  I wish I could tell you
Read more

Surrender Before Victory?

-
For the past eight years, I've chosen not to make a New Year's Resolution and instead chose a word/idea to focus on for the entirety of the year. I usually start thinking about my upcoming Word of the Year in December and reflecting on the word of this past year.  My word this year: "Surrender." Toward the end of 2019, I was certain my word for 2020 would be "Victory." I was moving closer to finally graduating from college and was set to graduate in May of 2020. It felt like maybe I'd finally be able to claim that victory after ten years of effort. But then again, I was in a state of constant, terrible depression. It started mid-way through 2019 and would not lift. In the fall semester of 2019, I struggled to get out of bed, eat, shower, brush my teeth, going to class, doing homework...everything felt exceedingly difficult. I absolutely loved the classes I was taking and the things I was involved in but I felt like I was drowning every single day. Someth
Read more